The S S Tazel Wurm
by Jet556
Summary: AU. There is a monster in the bay and a crew with absolutely no sailing experience are going to be sent out on the S. S. Tazel Wurm to either capture or destroy it. the crew consists of Lee Ping, Camillio Martinez, Holger Holgaart, Biffy T. Goldtsein, the former General Barrage and one born loser. Also Lee is due to marry Tina Kwee at the end of the week.
1. Chapter 1

**I thought I'd try something different. This is straight up AU. My OC Basil will be filling a humorously large amount of roles. Enjoy and review.**

**Judge Dick Andrews**

Reporter Tina Kwee sat in the front row of the courthouse. She had tried taking notes but she was halfway to not caring. It was just Brad Von Chilstein and Basil Hagen fighting again. By next week, it would have been three years that this had been going on.

"You hit me over the head with a ukulele!" Brad was holding a bag of ice on his head. That had been an hour ago and already they were in court. Things always moved quickly when both Brad and Basil were involved.

By Brad's side was his lawyer: Chaz Moneranian. Brad must have been either stupid or insane to make Chaz his lawyer but there he was as Brad's lawyer. "You heard it your honor! Basil Hagen tried to kill my client!"

Who was Basil's lawyer? Holger Holgaart! That's who was Basil's lawyer!

It didn't really matter. No matter who the lawyer was Basil always ended up in jail for a day because the judge was Dick Andrews. Dick always favored Brad and Chaz. So what if Brad had hit Basil in the head first with the ukulele? Brad was the number three box office star in the country! Who would the only judge in town believe? Brad or Basil? The answer was Brad. Actually whenever someone went up against Brad it was always Brad that came out on top.

Dick slammed his hammer down. "A day in jail! Take Basil Hagen away and put a bird in his cell!"

Basil had a colossal fear of birds. Dick ordering a bird to be put in Basil's cell with him was just Dick being himself. To Tina that seemed really cruel. What next? Put a monkey in with Holger when next he slipped on a banana peel?

Tina watched as Basil was led away. The look of fear on his face at the thought of sharing a cell with a bird was disturbing. Normally it wouldn't look disturbing but given the amount of disfigurement of Basil's face it did.

Tina then looked at the ring on her finger. Just one week to go!


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Broken X-Ray Machine**

Biffy Goldstein had done a ton of things. Painting, sculpting, archaeology, mountain climbing, hiking to the Arctic Circle, giving lectures, hunting the Chupacabra, knitting and now he was building a catapult. Why? He had way too much free time on his hands.

Where was he building the catapult? Between the jail and the doctor's office. In fact it was facing the church.

As Biffy worked he could hear Basil screaming in fear as the Harpy Eagle they put in his cell attacked him. He tried to ignore it but Basil's screams were so loud it was impossible. It caused Biffy to wonder if the eagle was going for Basil's eyes! That bit of wonder lasted for half a second… Then Biffy stopped wondering about it. He just focused on building the catapult.

Then Holger, known to others as Dr. Holgaart, walked into the doctor's office. Biffy started to wonder how Holger ever got a doctorate. It was one of the great questions of life. For a guy who claimed to know everything, Biffy was certainly baffled. There was something funny going on around her and not the "Ha ha" kind of funny but the "Gee, that's interesting" kind of funny. The reason Holger was a doctor was probably connected to why Basil kept getting thrown into jail for a day even when it was Brad who started it. Actually, that was just because Dick was the only judge in this town but it was better to think something strange was afoot.

Actually, Holger wasn't the only doctor. Basil was the other doctor. In fact, Basil was the doctor, the minister and the librarian! Everyone one in this town had more than one job. Biffy was the chief of police, the owner of the antique shop and curator of the Hat Museum.

Today, a new x-ray machine had come in. It was for Basil, Holger already had one but Holger couldn't help but try it out on patients.

The first patient was Zed Point Conasty, a rather brainless fellow with a gift for spouting nonsense. He was getting an x-ray of his head because he wanted pictures of his brain. "I'll take an eight by ten and three wallet sized, dude!" If Basil had been there he would have said "Your brain is already wallet sized." As the x-ray revealed, Zed's brain was wallet sized so it wouldn't have just been a crack about Zed's intelligence.

Four of the patients waiting for x-rays were Detective Lee Ping, his fiancée Tina, Mayor Camillio Martinez and his wife Brandy.

Brandy turned her head to look at Cam. "Are we sure it's safe for Holger to be using Basil's x-ray machine?"

Cam just shrugged. "Of course! What's the worst that my ese could do?" Famous last words!

It was at this point that Basil's screaming came to the attention of those in the waiting room. Lee put a finger in his ear for a few seconds then took it out. No, he wasn't hearing things. "What is that?"

Tina wasn't really sure. "Sounds like an elephant with a bad head cold."

Lee looked at his fiancée. The screaming sounded like an elephant with a head cold to her? "Sounds like the mating call of the Blue Tazel Wurm to me."

"Actually it's Basil." Cam's eyes were on the x-ray machine. He couldn't wit much longer. Chopper McNeal it would be his turn!

"Basil?" Tina looked horrified. "What sort of bird did they put in with him?"

Brandy closed her eyes. Basil's screaming was getting on her nerves. "An eagle, that's all I know."

"An eagle?" Tina was disturbed. She'd be putting that in her article. She and Lee had always said Dick would go too far and now he had.

Zed left and Chopper went in. To the surprise of Holger, Chopper had no brain. Just as Basil had suspected! Holger then looked down and saw Chopper's brain in his stomach! Somehow, Holger had broken Basil's new x-ray machine already. There was only one thing for Holger to do: keep his mouth shut and make Basil want a refund. Holger then kicked the machine and Chopper's brain was right where it was supposed to be. Maybe he hadn't broken the machine. Holger then called for the next person to come in.

Excitedly Cam jumped out of his seat and yelled "My turn!"

"I don't think so." Everyone turned around and there standing in the doorway was Brad Von Chilstein: number 3 box office star in the country, richest man in town and the favorite target of lice the world over! He walked on in and right past Cam.

"You're going to cut in?" Tina took out her pen and notepad. It seemed that article of hers would be expanding past the court.

"No, I'm taking my rightful place as Brad Von Chilstein, the most prominent citizen in town!" and with that Brad walked on in to have an x-ray. Lee, Tina, Cam and Brandy all agreed about Brad. He was a heartless, mean, inconsiderate, selfish windbag! Seven seconds passed and Brad came back out. That must have the fastest x-ray in medical history. "I am remarkable, sound of mind, body of Apollo."

"More like Ares." Commented Cam.

Holger let out a shocked cry. Brad had a smug look on his face. "Ah yes, the result of my check up. I am the healthiest person in all of town."

Lee, Tina, Cam and Brandy all walked in and saw the x-ray machine broken. Holger was crying. He had broken Basil's new x-ray machine! "Something wrong! Terminal!"

Brad's jaw dropped. Because he wasn't in the room and didn't know Holger was talking about the x-ray machine, Brad thought Holger was talking about him.

Then came Cam's voice. "It looks awful!"

Then Lee's voice. "What happened? Why is falling apart?"

Then Holger's again. "Holger give week." Brad fell to his knees. He thought he was dying. If only. "Nothing Holger can do!" Brad let out a shocked cry and walked away.

Being terminally ill caused problems for a lot of Brad's plans. Especially if he only had a week! His plans were as follows: kill Lee, have him stuffed and mounted, killed Holger, have him stuffed and mounted, kill Biffy, have him stuffed and mounted, marry Tina and make her a trophy wife, kill Basil, have him stuffed and mounted.

If only he were dying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Welcome back everyone. Just one more chapter before the story really gets going! Sorry for the short length. Enjoy and review.**

**What to do**

Holger stared at the broken x-ray machine. Everyone had since left and Basil hadn't been let out of jail yet. Of course since the day wasn't over yet, Basil would be let out once the day was over. Once the day was over Basil would go home.

But what about the next day when Basil did come to the office and found his x-ray machine broken, Basil would find out and immediately know that it was Holger who did it!

Thoughts of a crazed Basil chasing him around with whatever he could get his hands on caused Holger to nearly faint. Basil would have a good reason to be angry. He had been waiting for that x-ray machine for half a year, like a kid waiting for Christmas. Holger himself was waiting for an x-ray machine but that wouldn't arrive for another three months.

The x-ray machines were the exact same. All Holger could do was say that his had come early. He would say that he had broken it by accident! Then when Holger's really did come he'd give his to Basil.

That was what he'd do!


	4. Chapter 4

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**A Mix Matched Crew**

Cam stood in his office. He looked at the names he pulled from the hat. One of them was his name. The others were Lee's, Holger's, Biffy's, Barrage's and born loser Basil's.

Six people to capture or destroy a sea monster that might not even exist! Those six people had no sailing experience. There was only one way to get around this… Assign jobs to people who didn't know how to do them!

Make Barrage the captain. Make Biffy the first mate, Cam would be the boatswain even though he didn't know what a boatswain was, Holger would be the gunner, Basil as the cook even though he could only make soup and Lee as the carpenter.

The first person Cam called up was Basil. Upon hearing that he'd be on board a ship, which he considered to be a "floating coffin", Basil jumped out of his office window.

Next Cam called up Barrage. Barrage immediately accepted the honor. Cam then asked him to find Basil before he ended up in Italy. Barrage did that and stopped Basil by tackling into him.

Cam then called up everyone else. This caused some trouble for Lee and Tina. They would be married at the end of the week and it was already Tuesday. Just how long would the crew of the S. S. Tazel Wurm be at sea looking for this monster that might not even exist?

But what if Lee were never to come back? Tina would be better off not thinking about that.

Unfortunately, this left Brad and his cronies Chaz and Dick in charge of the town. With Brad thinking he was dying… he'd probably remake the town in his image and rename in "Von Chilsteinville." And that was a terrible thought! That and he'd marry Tina to make her his trophy wife. And that was even more terrible!

It seemed like the world was going mad!


	5. Chapter 5

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Attempted Escape**

One would think Lee would have tried to get off the boat and get back to Tina after one hour on the S. S. Tazel Wurm. Actually it was Basil. He had knocked out Holger with a potato and then made a mad dash to jump off the boat.

Just as he did, a great white shark jumped out of the water to get Basil. Luckily, Biffy grabbed Basil and got him back on the boat before the shark could bite Basil's head off. If it had, they would have needed a new cook.

It was then decided that Basil would never be left unattended. He was clearly not handling being on a "floating coffin" well.

This led to a conversation between Lee and Cam. What of? Basil's reason for wanting to jump into shark-infested water!

"Is it that bad being of a 'floating coffin' that he'd want to be someone's lunch?" Lee, the gunner walked around looking for the cannons. To his surprise there was none. Unless there were actually guns on board and they'd be shooting at whatever the hell the monster was. "He could just take a lifeboat!"

Cam stood still. There was a look of shock in his eyes. "Lifeboat?"

At this point, Lee and Cam were down in the galley. Basil was making potato soup while Holger kept an eye on him. Lee turned around and looked at Cam. He opened his mouth then closed it and looked at Basil. Better to not let him hear this. Wouldn't want him to try and escape again. So he whispered. "There are no lifeboats?"

"No lifeboats?" Basil stood up. Lee and Cam both looked at him. They were standing at the other side of the kitchen. How could he even hear Lee whisper that?

Basil instantly made another dash for the door. This time Cam stopped Basil by ramming him right into the stove. Thankfully, the stove wasn't on.

Once Basil was down and unconscious, Lee and Cam continued their conversation. "Cam, you chose a boat with no lifeboats?"

"Lee, my best amigo… It was an accident. I just liked the name of the boat." Then a look of dread appeared on Cam's face. "Oh no, I've doomed us all! I'll never see Brandy again!"

"I'll never see Tina again."

"Holger will never see Greta again."

Then Basil got up again. Once again Cam tackled him and once again Basil ended up getting knocked out. This only led to Lee face palming.

"Can we please stop knocking out the cook?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Welcome back everyone. The title of this chapter speaks for it self so try to stay focused on both. One conversation is comedic the other is dramatic. Enjoy and review.**

**Two Conversations**

Later, when Basil was once more conscious he was trying to cook some soup but… the stove was not working! What was he doing to get around it? He was calling a stove hotline! As for Lee, who was also in the kitchen, he was talking to Cam about Tina.

"Cam, I'm serious. What if this thing gets us and I never get to see Tina again? What will happen to her? We're due to be married on Saturday and I'm worried about what will happen to her if this monster gets us."

"I don't know, Lee, maybe Brad Von Chilstein will turn her into a trophy wife." Cam was not helping.

"I'm telling you this stove won't… do stove stuff." How Lee and Cam were able to ignore Basil was unknown to them.

"Cam, listen to yourself… Tina with Brad… the guy who threw a car bomb into Basil's car and made his face into a skull. The thought of Tina with someone who did that makes me sick. I love Tina… I don't want anything bad to happen to her."

"Yes, I turned that knobby thingy a lot." Lee was ignoring Basil fairly well. Cam not so much… He had a hard time not cracking up at what Basil was saying.

"You know when I asked Tina to marry me and she said 'yes' I felt so happy and I could tell she was happy that I asked… I know we're meant to be together but what if something ever happen to either of us?"

"You know for a stove hotline you are hardly hot at all!" A stove hotline not being hot, imagine that. Cam couldn't help but a grin a bit at Basil's misfortune with the stove. The grin then turned into a frown. If the stove wouldn't work then there was something wrong with the ship! There had to be!

"Cam, I'm at least happy to see that you're on the same page as me." Lee was wrong. Cam was on a completely different page. In fact he was in a completely different book. Cam had started out listening to Lee only to end up listening to Basil and his wacky conversation with whoever was on the other end of the phone.

"What is that in the background? Are you watching 'Frankenstein?" It was at this point that Lee turned to look at Basil. He then turned to look at Cam.

"Should we be concerned?" Lee's question was answered by Cam merely shaking his head. They weren't to be concerned about Basil asking if someone was watching 'Frankenstein.' They were to be concerned if there was something wrong with the boat.

"Really, so they changed Frankenstein's first name to 'Henry?'"


	7. Chapter 7

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**The Monster!**

A couple of days passed and no one had seen any sign of the alleged monster. Of course everyone was bored by the lack of a monster showing up. They had come in search of a monster and they hadn't found anything.

One afternoon, Lee had been looking for Barrage. When he couldn't find him, he walked down to the kitchen to see if Barrage was there. He wasn't! Cam and Basil were there though. Basil was standing over a pot of soup. Cam was having a bowl of soup.

"Hey, do either of you know where Barrage is?"

It was Basil who answered the question. "Barrage ate the last potato so I killed him, chopped him up and put him in the soup!" Cam, who had a mouthful of soup, spat out the contents of his mouth that ended up all over Basil's back. Clearly, Cam was a little bit shocked. "Note to self never make a joke like that again."

"Never make a joke! Ever!" Cam was able to say these words in between coughs. It was safe to say that he was really shocked.

Lee was not impressed. "Basil, do you or do you not know where Barrage is?"

Basil had taken off his jacket and was cleaning off the soup Cam had spat on it. He was no more impressed about that than Lee was about Basil's joke. "Yes, he saw something, thought it was this monster that might not even exist and jumped off the boat to go after it… five hours ago."

Neither Lee nor Cam were impressed. Was this another joke? Was Basil telling the truth? They just weren't sure.

Just then the sound of someone or something climbing on deck was heard. Lee, Cam and Basil all ran up to see what it was! Holger and Biffy were already there and in and equal amount of shock.

There was a carcass of some sort of creature on the deck. Standing over it was a very wet Barrage.

So this was the monster!


	8. Chapter 8

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**The Body**

Everyone stared at the body that Barrage had pulled on deck. It was a carcass of some sort of creature. It had flippers like a turtle, a neck like a snake. Everyone was confused.

Basil was the first to walk towards the carcass. "Looks like one of those things that lived during the time of the dinosaurs… What do you call it?"

"A penguin?"

"Yeah, Cam, this looks like a penguin!" Basil wasn't being sarcastic. He was one hundred percent serious. He had agreed with Cam that this thing was called a penguin!

Lee just face palmed! He had a doctorate in paleontology. He knew what this thing was called! "Basil, Cam, it's called a plesiosaur!" They just ignored him. Basil and Cam were too wrapped up in looking at this thing.

"Unbelievable!" Basil opened the jaws of the beast and looked into the mouth. "I go looking for Bigfoot and fail and we end up finding this thing all the way out here!" Lee rolled his eyes.

Cam just ended up nodding in agreement. "I know! We both went looking for it together! You'd think we'd be able to find it!"

Again, Lee rolled his eyes. "For goodness sake, Cam, you two went searching for Bigfoot in your backyard!" In their defense, Cam's backyard was a bit overgrown. Who knew what was living in there! One would have thought that since Brandy had married Cam something would have been done about it. But there was an alleged big cat living in the back yard. In all actuality, it was just Biffy's cat who had wandered in there a few times.

"We found our monster, soldiers! Now lets head home!" And with that Barrage threw the corpse into the water to the shock of Lee, Cam and Basil.

Barrage was just getting rid of such an amazing find? Had he gone mad! By getting rid of that carcass there was no proof of their find! Cam was the first one to run after it with his short legs. Unfortunately, Cam tripped over his own feet. Then Basil ran after it. Unfortunately, Basil tripped over Cam. Then Lee ran after it. Thankfully, Lee jumped over Cam and Basil only for a shark to jump out of the water forcing Lee to retreat.

Their discovery was to be lost.


	9. Chapter 9

**Welcome back everyone. Enjoy and review.**

**Back Home**

Everyone stared at Basil. He was holding a gun to his head. Lee and Cam couldn't understand why he was so suicidal. Neither could Holger, Biffy or Tina. They were all just standing there while Basil held a gun to his head.

"Basil… sweetie… please put the gun down." Tina trying to sweet talk Basil caused her to sound like she was cooing over a baby saying "Doesn't he have his mother's eyes?" If that was true then the baby would be trying to get his mother's eyes off him.

"Put it down… the discovery of the century was right there on deck and Barrage threw it away!" Basil's response caused Lee to roll his eyes. They should have just marooned on a deserted island on their way home but then there would be no one to preside over his and Tina's marriage. "I could have been in 'National Geographic'… 'Discovery Monthly'… "Shakespeare Weekly!'"

One of those things was not like the other.

And then Holger of all people noticed that Basil was holding a toy gun. Why was Basil trying to kill himself with a toy gun? Did he know he was holding a toy gun? Or was it one of those clown guns, the kind that had the flag that had the word "BANG!" on it. If Basil were to pull the trigger the flag would probably go straight into his brain! That would be very messy!

"Basil! Holger break Basil's x-ray machine!"

Holger blurting that out caused Basil to drop the toy gun. When it hit the floor, a flag came out of the gun not with the word "Bang" on it but three names: "Moneranian, Von Chilstein and Andrews." They were all on that flag: a small flag and the letters were even smaller.

Basil walked over to Holger. There was an angry look in his eye. "You did what?" In a few seconds, Basil had his hands around Holger's neck and was shaking him violently.

They got Basil out of his funk. Now all they had to do was to get him to stop shaking Holger!


	10. Chapter 10

**Welcome. This is the final chapter and the whole reason this story was written in the first place! Enjoy.**

**One Bride, Two Grooms**

And so the day came for Lee and Tina's wedding. There were a few people: Cam, Brandy, Holger, Greta, Biffy, Kimmie and Basil but he was the minister for this wedding.

As those seven people stood in the church, an eighth stood at the altar. Tina, in her dress and everything while everyone sat, save Basil who stood behind the altar.

Ten minutes had passed and Lee had not yet arrived. Everyone was starting to wonder where he was. Tina in particular! She was starting to worry.

"Lee couldn't have stood me up, could he?" She was trying to stay calm but Tina was very close to panicking.

Basil merely shook his head. "No, I suspect foul play at work." And sure enough who should walk into the church but Brad, Chaz and Dick. The sight of them caused Basil to sigh. "Speak of the devil and he shall appear!" Brad and his cronies walked right up to the altar. Basil just stuck out his tongue in disgust at the sight of these three. "Well, if it isn't Satan, Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger and Gaius Cassius Longinus. What's the matter? Judas Iscariot couldn't make it because he's still stuck in the ninth circle of Hell?" This question caused some snickering from a few people. Brad and his cronies were not amused.

"You know Blompkins was committed into the Finnwich asylum!" Brad's response just caused Basil to blink. He had no interest in Brad's jibber-jabber. "And besides you know why I'm here!"

"You want me to bless because you have sinned! Well, that will have to wait because I have to marry Lee and Tina as soon as Lee gets here."

"No, you are going to marry me and Tina." What Brad said caused everyone save for Brad and his cronies to gasp. Foul play was afoot and its name was Brad Von Chilstein!

"Like hell I will!" Basil grabbed a rapier that he had hidden in the altar and pointed it at Brad. This only resulted in Brad and his cronies puling guns from their pockets and pointing them at Basil. "Sure, what the heck!" And with that Basil threw the rapier aside.

"Basil!" Tina did not approve of being married to Brad anymore than any girl would be. Marriage to Brad was a fate worse than death! She'd rather marry Chaz and even marriage to Chaz was a fate worse than death!

No body approved of Basil suddenly agreeing to marry Brad and Tina but given the circumstances he really didn't have a choice. While they didn't agree with him, they did sympathize with him.

"I'm sorry, Tina but its marriage to Brad for you or death by gunfire for me!" While Basil said this, he made a silent prayer. He prayed that Lee would get here. That something could be done. That Tina wouldn't be marrying Brad. That he himself would be safe. "So, uh, who's your best man, Brad?"

"I am!" Dick Andrews. Why was no one surprised?

"Oh, really? You know, Dick, in the twenties, thirties, forties and fifties the term 'Dick' was slang for 'Detective' but I don't think that's what your parents were thinking of when they named you." Basil's crack about Dick's name just caused Dick to point his gun at Basil again. "Uh, right, carrying on." Basil looked down at the book on the altar. He could have some fun here. He then looked at those sitting and watching. Cam had a confused look on his face. Understandable, given the couple anyone would be confused. Holger was crying. It was a wedding, he always cried at weddings. "Do you, Brad, you pompous, obnoxious spoiled brat momma's boy of a baboon take way out of your league Tina to be your lawfully wedded wife for rich or for poor, through sickness and in health-"

"Just a minute! Not so fast!" Brad held up a hand, Basil did not seem happy to interrupted but still he stopped. "I want to go over that 'rich or poor' part again with my lawyer." Brad and Chaz discussed that one part and soon the wedding was going on again.

"If anyone here knows why this wedding should not take place let him speak now and forever hold his peace!" The moment Basil finished speaking who should come crashing through the window via Biffy's catapult other than Lee himself. Lee landed on both Brad and Chaz, his left foot coming down on Brad's head, his right foot on Chaz's.

Dick just shrugged and left. If Brad wasn't getting married there was no reason for him to be there.

And so Lee and Tina were married.

As for Brad, Chaz and Dick there were run out of town but not before they had all paid to get the church window fixed.

**The End**


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